I have a really bad habit of asking God “Why?”. Why did You allow this to happen to me? Why didn’t you allow this to happen? Why is this still happening to me?
To be transparent, the reason I haven’t posted in a while is because I’ve been really caught up in the “why’s” of my life. It seems as though I walked into a desert I haven’t been able to escape from. Tired, exhausted, and dehydrated, I’ve been searching for an exit with no clear signs for years. And any time I finally seem to find the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel”, a sandstorm comes and violently sweeps me away before I can grab the hand that will pull me out of the storm. And when I awake, I’m back where I started, abandoned in a desert.
To translate that imagery into something more tangible, the past few years have been rough. Having to hold the hand of my dreams as they died right in front of me was rough. Any one that truly knows me knows I’ve been through enough. I really don’t need more “trials” to test my strength. It’s been tested, bruised, broken, and shattered quite a number of times as is.
But there is one theme here. One bit of redeeming light in this pit of darkness.
After some of the worst of my trials, I have to admit that I turned my back on Him. Suicidal thoughts plagued my mind. It seemed like the only way out of a trial that wasn’t ever going to end. I was angry and upset that such a thing was allowed in my life, a life already tainted by pain, betrayal, broken trust, and deceit. And every time I called out to Him, I felt my hand retract, scared that He too would hurt me. Scared that He too would wait until I completely trusted Him to leave me astray.
Oh, how foolish I was.
This past Sunday at my church, we sang a song I’d never heard before called “Satisfied In You (Psalm 42)”. While there is a section of the song that stood out to me, I’ll share the ones that impacted me the most:
“Let my pain reveal your glory as my only rest,
Let my losses show me all I truly have is You.”
I’ve had some very real pain. I’ve had some devastating losses. I’ve been through trial after trial, but at the end of the day, they all point to one person: JESUS. Perhaps God allowed these things in my life to show me weak areas in my walk with Him. Perhaps He did so to break me free from things I was choosing over Him. Perhaps He was “ripping a band-aid off” and allowing my wounds to heal so they wouldn’t get infected.
I’m done asking Him “why”. The answer isn’t as important as I thought.
The important thing is that I finally see a true light at the end of the tunnel, a light encapsulated by a hurricane, where the winds crash against the rocks around it the but the light Himself, Jesus Christ, is calm and soothing. There will continue to be pain. I couldn’t tell you what tomorrow or the day after will look like. I’m sure I will still face hardships.
But this remains true: I don’t have to fear. My Messiah is making all things new.